Arsenal Gentleman’s Weekly Rev- … er … play
This week I present to you different form of missive. I have written a playlet entitled Mr. Woolwich Goes to the Doctor’s. It is the tale of Mr. Woolwich, a grand gentleman with many successes to his name but who is experiencing a number of unpleasant ailments of late.
MR. WOOLWICH GOES TO THE DOCTOR’S
MR WOOLWICH – A fine city gentleman.
THE DOCTOR – His physician
THE MANAGER – A manager
A private doctor’s office in Harley Street, London.
Good afternoon Sir. You have booked a double appointment, am I to
assume that you have a number of ailments to discuss?
Sir, I do. As you know I have not been quite well for a while now. I
have an enormous goitre. I keep breaking bones, I’ve got the runs, my
hair is falling out, I am mentally confused, I have skin lesions,
numbness in my hands and feet, loss of muscle function, I am tired all
the time, short of breath, I am always thirsty, my gums bleed, my eyes
bulge, my skin is scaly and I have a searing pain in my back and
Well the pain in your shoulders is because you have a man hanging off
So my first suggestion to alleviate the pain in your back and
shoulders is to ask the man to get off you.
Oh, I couldn’t do that. He’s a genius. He’s in charge of me. He tells
me what to do.
Yes, I remember when you saw me last time it was because you had
walked out of a first floor window, as instructed by The Manager.
Nonsense. That was a tactical masterstroke.
And then the time before that you had cut off the tip of your left
index finger because the manager felt that this would confuse people
and put you at an advantage. And then the time before that he was
doing weird stuff every 70 minutes.
Yes, if we were driving for example he would reach down and apply the
Good god. Let me examine you
HE EXAMINES THE PATIENT.
Well, you have various diseases of malnutrition. Your broken bones
are due to osteoporosis, so you need to eat foods rich in calcium,
phosphorus, magnesium, zinc, boron, iron, fluoride, copper and
vitamins A, K, E, C and D. The tiredness is anaemia due to iron
deficiency. You need to eat iron-rich foods include meat, eggs, leafy
green vegetables and iron-fortified foods. You have beriberi, which
is causing the mental confusion, so you need some thiamine. You also
How wonderful to have these diagnoses, and to hear your suggestions
Ah. Yes. Well, for a normal patient, we would recommend the
abovementioned change to diet, after which you would feel immediate
relief. But you are not a normal patient so therefore we would
prescribe a different treatment.
He picks up the telephone and dials a number. A voice answers
Hello? Dortmund cakes? How may I help you?
Hello. We have a patient here who is going to wither from
malnutrition within a few weeks if we don’t make radical changes to
his diet. So we’re after some Striker Cake.
That will be 25 Euros.
Hang on. Shouldn’t we get some fresh fruit? Vegetables? Fish?
We will give you five euros for the piece of striker cake.
The price is 25 Euros for the Striker cake.
Hold on! I’m literally dying of malnutrition and you’re buying cake?
He is delicious cake though.
I DON’T NEED ANY CAKE. I NEED NUTRITIOUS FOOD.
A telephone rings
Yes? Yes, he’s here. A tin of Armenian Caviar you say? An excellent
idea. 20 Euros?
I’ll give you four Euros.
Exit, pursued by a bear.