Friday, February 23News That Matters

Arsenal Gentleman’s Weekly Rev- … er … play

Arsenal Gentleman's Weekly Review

This week I present to you different form of missive. I have written a playlet entitled Mr. Woolwich Goes to the Doctor’s. It is the tale of Mr. Woolwich, a grand gentleman with many successes to his name but who is experiencing a number of unpleasant ailments of late.

MR. WOOLWICH GOES TO THE DOCTOR’S

CHARACTERS

MR WOOLWICH – A fine city gentleman.
THE DOCTOR – His physician
THE MANAGER
A manager

SETTING
A private doctor’s office in Harley Street, London.

ACT ONE

THE DOCTOR
Good afternoon Sir. You have booked a double appointment, am I to
assume that you have a number of ailments to discuss?

MR WOOLWICH
Sir, I do. As you know I have not been quite well for a while now. I
have an enormous goitre. I keep breaking bones, I’ve got the runs, my
hair is falling out, I am mentally confused, I have skin lesions,
numbness in my hands and feet, loss of muscle function, I am tired all
the time, short of breath, I am always thirsty, my gums bleed, my eyes
bulge, my skin is scaly and I have a searing pain in my back and
shoulders.

THE DOCTOR
Well the pain in your shoulders is because you have a man hanging off
you.

THE MANAGER
Hello!

THE DOCTOR
So my first suggestion to alleviate the pain in your back and
shoulders is to ask the man to get off you.

MR WOOLWICH
Oh, I couldn’t do that. He’s a genius. He’s in charge of me. He tells
me what to do.

THE DOCTOR
Yes, I remember when you saw me last time it was because you had
walked out of a first floor window, as instructed by The Manager.

THE MANAGER
Nonsense. That was a tactical masterstroke.

THE DOCTOR
And then the time before that you had cut off the tip of your left
index finger because the manager felt that this would confuse people
and put you at an advantage. And then the time before that he was
doing weird stuff every 70 minutes.

MR WOOLWICH
Yes, if we were driving for example he would reach down and apply the
handbrake.

THE DOCTOR
Good god. Let me examine you

HE EXAMINES THE PATIENT.

THE DOCTOR
Well, you have various diseases of malnutrition. Your broken bones
are due to osteoporosis, so you need to eat foods rich in calcium,
phosphorus, magnesium, zinc, boron, iron, fluoride, copper and
vitamins A, K, E, C and D. The tiredness is anaemia due to iron
deficiency. You need to eat iron-rich foods include meat, eggs, leafy
green vegetables and iron-fortified foods. You have beriberi, which
is causing the mental confusion, so you need some thiamine. You also
have pellagra.

MR WOOLWICH
How wonderful to have these diagnoses, and to hear your suggestions
for treatment.

THE DOCTOR
Ah. Yes. Well, for a normal patient, we would recommend the
abovementioned change to diet, after which you would feel immediate
relief. But you are not a normal patient so therefore we would
prescribe a different treatment.

MR WOOLWICH
Which is?

THE DOCTOR
Cake.

MR WOOLWICH
Cake?

THE DOCTOR
Yes, cake.

He picks up the telephone and dials a number. A voice answers

PHONE VOICE
Hello? Dortmund cakes? How may I help you?

THE DOCTOR
Hello. We have a patient here who is going to wither from
malnutrition within a few weeks if we don’t make radical changes to
his diet. So we’re after some Striker Cake.

PHONE VOICE
That will be 25 Euros.

MR WOOLWICH
Hang on. Shouldn’t we get some fresh fruit? Vegetables? Fish?

THE MANAGER
We will give you five euros for the piece of striker cake.

MR WOOLWICH
Eh?

PHONE VOICE
The price is 25 Euros for the Striker cake.

MR WOOLWICH
Hold on! I’m literally dying of malnutrition and you’re buying cake?

PHONE VOICE
He is delicious cake though.

THE MANAGER
Six euros.

MR WOOLWICH
I DON’T NEED ANY CAKE. I NEED NUTRITIOUS FOOD.

A telephone rings

THE DOCTOR
Yes? Yes, he’s here. A tin of Armenian Caviar you say? An excellent
idea. 20 Euros?

THE MANAGER
I’ll give you four Euros.

Exit, pursued by a bear.